is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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