I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
