Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
