I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
