I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I just blew my weed a kiss
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
