Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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