You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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