Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
organizing the empties. That sober.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Randomize
