Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Randomize
