i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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