That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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