He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
