When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize