I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
