don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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