ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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