He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
