i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
