absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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