You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
