Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
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He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
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I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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