I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
