you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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