Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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