I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Randomize
