i'm signing you up for texting rehab
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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