Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
