Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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