I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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