They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
