if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
someone owes me an orgasm
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
