I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
