how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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