I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
