i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
