so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
