im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?