My nipple is on Facebook.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
