I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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