I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
