I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
