I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
