at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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