I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
