so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
