if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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