I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
