I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
