Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
