I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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