He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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