The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i dont even know how to be here
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
