i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
