Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
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By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
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If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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