She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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