Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
