Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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